April 03, 2006
Black Hole
It's like being sucked in and you didn't even know it was there..... All I did was met with my spiritual director (someone who I pray with and talk about things that are going on and she gives suggestions on specific things I could pray for, also she prays with me for healing of certain things in my life). On the way to meet with her, I was trying to clear my mind and think of what I might need to talk to her about (couldn't come up with anything)... I started talking about not having much to talk about, but then mentioned that the one year anniversary of Pop's death is upon us.
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While I have a great amount of comfort in knowing he is in heaven, there is a large part of my brain that realizes that I haven't probably grieved much. There were so many things to do right after his death - things to help my mom take care of, then of course, we moved again, then a near-nervous breakdown, and always taking care of my family..... And then the holidays..... and well, I suppose I never have given myself permission to really let go and crumble the wall I'd built up. This is somewhat frightening to me, as I have absolutely no interest in feeling emotionally raw, but I have a feeling to get past it, really get past it, that is going to have to happen. So, I'm praying for it. I don't know if I'm truly open to it, because when I'm praying, I think I'm saying the words without actually meaning them, but I figure if I say them enough than I'll become more comfortable with the idea of making myself vulnerable enough to just let it out.
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That being said, I have a fantastic post in the works complete with pictures commemorating our wonderful, busy week last week and the 4th birthday bash and subsequent festivities. I promise I will get it up within the next few days, and I also promise it will be worth the wait. ;) We had a fabulous time with the extra girls all week and I took some cute pictures out and about.
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Pray for my family, as the accident happened one year ago today, in 2 hours from now, precisely. And of course, tomorrow marks one year since Pop's bodily death.
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God is good and has given me a peace and the gift of knowing Pop is in heaven, but my heart still is having a hard time finally letting go.
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God Bless you.
Posts written by humble servant
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