June 09, 2005
Why do I feel like this?
I just am feeling so blech. I know, I know, I did just find out earlier this week (on the same day, no less) that my friend is back in the hospital and that my grandpa died.... But I guess maybe my problem is that I am taking the things my brother said way too personally because all I want to do is cry. He actually said (in an email the next morning) that the reason he didn't tell me about Papa was because he didn't think Grandma needed any "undue drama or the stress of me making this all about" me. What does that mean? I guess my thing is that I know exactly what that implies and I just don't understand how he could think that it would be like that at all.

I admit, in the past (about 10+ years ago), right after my dad died (I was 18 going on 19), I got into a pretty selfish stage and I was getting wasted all the time. So wasted that I missed a birthday party - I don't remember if I was wasted for the birthday party or if I was just so mindless that I was working one of my 3 jobs at the time of the actual party. Poor judgement? yes. a bit selfish? yes. Drama queen? I didn't think so - not then and not now. I didn't draw attention to myself over the whole thing, I just slunk away with my tail between my legs - all the way to Florida, as I recall.

Or is he referring to the time that I was raped the night of the big charity benefit that our stepmother hosted in my dad's memory (a year after he died)? Yeah, that could be it. Because, I do recall I was a little dramatic after being released from the hospital the next morning.
I guess I just feel sick over the whole thing. And there is something else that I don't really feel comfortable talking about here, but if you're the praying type, please offer up some serious prayers for my mom. If you're not the praying type, send positive thoughts her way. Thank God my aunt is here this weekend. I just need to know someone is there with my mom even for a few nights. Though I hardly think that will make much a difference in my worrying, considering when the girls and I were there the other night (we had a sleepover), it didn't stop the self-destructive behavior. Oy, I just can't handle the stress of worrying about her right now. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but could I just have a little break from the stress? I mean, on the one hand, I can totally understand why my mom would be doing what she's doing, but on the other hand, she has a heart condition and for her to be engaging in self-destructive drinking.... I just can't handle seeing her so unhappy that she is intentionally running her health into the ground.
Okay, I am going to sign off for now. The fact is, I am wallowing a bit this week and I just need to snap out of my funk. I left a message for my therapist Tuesday and she called today while we were out. Hopefully, she'll remember to call me back this evening (she said she would). Oy, I just need to get some different perspective on this whole stress that is my life currently.
Oh, and I can't talk to Kate these days - she can't call long distance from the hospital and the nurses said they are now only taking messages and patients can call back if they want. URGH!Maybe the night nurse will let me through this evening. I've set my alarm to remind me when it is time for her to get calls.
So, ladies, while I am certainly being selfish (dramatic?) and making this all about me, I am going to ask anyway for you to send up some prayers for me. Here I am seeking grace and all I want to do is curl in a ball under the covers and cry myself to sleep.
Until next time, I pray you are well and healthy. And I pray that you feel peace this day and through the weekend.
Love to you all.
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