An update and some blatant honesty...
Let's see.... I haven't really been updating. I have been sick. In bed. Waiting to die. Okay, not really. I finally did go to the doctor today to get this checked out and they actually did an x-ray of my sinuses. Apparently, my whole head is full of **it. Apparently, I should be writhing in pain, I am so infected and practically bursting. Actually, I have the start of a truly ugly pimple on my nose and I almost wonder if it is the mucus trying any way to get out of my head. Wouldn't that be so incredibly disgusting?
Anyway.... I did have a couple days at the end of last week where I was feeling better and I went to town cleaning our place. After being sick for a week, it desperately needed it. And then, Saturday, I was hit with a brick in the head again..... Now, that the laundry has piled up again, I have to get to work again tomorrow, regardless of how I feel.
I did see my therapist last week as well as my Oh-By-God-You're-Not touching me there doc. Fun fun. I got a scrip for an anti-depressant (Effex*r). I started immediately taking it, like the good girl that I am. I immediately stopped sleeping at night. Good golly - these are only half dose pills to start.... So, what did I do? Last night I refused to take it. And guess what? I don't feel more depressed today - actually quite the contrary since I slept the whole night. :) I will be calling tomorrow to ask if I should try something else or do they want me to walk around like the sleep-deprived zombie this med is turning me into?
My therapist did tell me a couple weeks ago to be realistic about the stress I have been under. Pretty much non-stop since I married 6 years ago. Granted, since it seems so normal to me, I haven't really been thinking of the major things that happen in our lives. Most of these things can put great strain on a marriage, causing divorce, even. And since our marriage hasn't taken the strain, I haven't really been realistic about how much a person should be able to handle. Because, let's face it - I signed up for this. All this better or worse and all that. I have moved twice in 15 months to accomodate my husband's career. Would I do it over, in spite of the strain and depression it has caused me? Absolutely. But this is where the tricky part comes in.
I can't keep expecting myself to be some kind of superwoman. I can't pretend outwardly that I am coping well with all these major things. Since our marriage, these are the things we've dealt with: 4 early miscarriages - all wanted children; bought and sold a house; 2 daughters born 19 months apart - while these are huge blessings, they add stress, nonetheless; another daughter who died in the womb at 18 weeks - a desperately wanted daughter; 2 interstate moves in the last 18 months; my career loss, though I wouldn't change being a SAHM, the financial aspect of this put us truly in a tailspin for several years and we are just now really getting our head above water - though we still have nearly $10k of debt; Little A and her constant illness - while I praise God that she doesn't have truly serious problems, it is a nearly daily addition to stress, keeping her asthma under control and keeping her as far from sick people as possible.
Oh, and let's not forget A's career - he goes through cycles just before a promotion or something good where things just totally suck. And well, he is in one of the down times right now, where things totally suck monkey butt. Seriously. And since he is at the highest level within a hotel now, his job is on the line if the hotel is not getting good comment scores. And well, this totally stresses us out. We are praying that in the next 6 weeks, the scores come up and he is able to keep his job. He's good at his job, but because this hotel was hit by 2 hurricanes in the weeks prior to his employment there... well, suffice to say that he's been under the gun with rebuilding and all that and unable to really address all the staffing issues that existed prior to his leadership there.
Anyway, putting those things in perspective has helped me feel better about how I am feeling. Because, let's face it, those are some pretty major things. Nothing major like a child dying of cancer or living with a serious disease or disorder, but major things, nonetheless. We actually have a really close friend whose marriage fell apart after struggling with fertility and having one miscarriage. Gosh - I can't imagine how stressed they were! Because in spite of our stresses, we have never let our marriage suffer too much. The financial stuff took the greatest toll, surprisingly, but now that we are straight with all that (mostly me being totally honest about where we stand) the rest of the stuff seems like a no-brainer. Do we struggle? Sometimes, but not very often. We haven't had a real disagreement in years - unless you count that time last summer that my head spun around and green pea soup came shooting out of my mouth in a fit of PPD induced rage.
So, even though the medication makes me stay awake all night, I am feeling better. I am confident that now that I don't have the stress of expecting myself to be fine all the time I will just keep feeling better. It also helps to be realistic. I am thinking that once I can actually breathe again, I will get on a REAL schedule with working out and once I am feeling more fit I will definitely feel better.
Sorry this went on so long. Obviously I had more than mucus in my head.... Okay, enough about that grossness.
I pray you and your families are well and healthy. I can't wait to hear about Nino feeling that little peanut moving and hear that Rebekah is well and that Kelly had a great weekend away. And that baby Jay is going to be just fine. And that Matt got the job. And.... whatever good news you want to send my way, I can't wait to hear it!
Until next time, God Bless You and Keep You.
