February 08, 2005
Well, gosh, I have been bowled over by so many of you offering support and kind words. Strangely, last night after talking with A, and praying some more, I was led to think maybe I need to see my OB/GYN. Well, this could prove to be a bit difficult since the practice that is familiar with my most recent pregnancy and subsequent fetal death is in Atlanta and we are in Nowheresville, FL. And we have new insurance. So, I thought, hmmm... I wonder if my old OB (from 4 of my 7 pregnancies) is on my new insurance - even though it would be a drive of 1.5 hours. A thought it might be good to see someone I know. Someone who knows me. Someone who I am completely comfortable with and trust. In spite of the drive.

So, I called insurance and got their web addy (why not just put it on the card to begin with?!). I searched and searched... and there they were! I was so relieved. Almost felt better. Then I was looking at their updated website (it's been almost 2 yrs since I have been there) and came upon some articles. About PostPartum Depression. And guess what. I have every-single-symptom. Every one. Talk about divine intervention here. My thoughts had been that it's too long since the birth to continue to have PPD, but one of the articles said it can last for up to a year or even longer. What?! I thought it was a temporary thing.

So, today I called. You want the good news first or the bad news? Okay, the bad news it is. My first choice midwife is out for a month, visiting family out of the country. Good for her. She no doubt deserves an extended holiday. The good news is I have an appointment with another kick-ass midwife, who was part of V's early days. But the appointment is not for 2 more weeks. Until then, I have been told to see my therapist and talk to her about some drogas. She can recommend something and the OB office will take her suggestion into consideration when they write me a scrip.
I am thinking it is time to look into something that I will take regularly (meaning every day) until I am over this whole PPD thing. I have been reluctant to get on daily anti-depressant meds because in the past they've prevented me from sleeping and functioning on a day-to-day basis. It was a miserable year when we tried the medication route back then. This time I am going into it knowing a bit more and pretty desperate at this point to be able to get to where I am functioning day-to-day. It is essential that I get out of this depressive funk as quickly as possible. I know that the girls would be happier if I were happier (and maybe I won't have the behavioral issues with little A? Probably just wishful thinking on that one!). Anyway, I am hoping they have some other stuff out there now that won't cause the terrible side effects I experienced before.

Anyway, I am hopeful. I know it might sound naive, but it is good to hear that it most likely is Post Partum Depression. Why? Because that means there is something we can do to help me get through this.
In the meantime, I am also going to see my therapist and start to really explore the possibility that I have some grief issues lingering. And I also have some amazing friends.
This is how my day started: exhausted since I was on the phone with Becca til WAY past midnight last night - she called to check on me; after getting the girls breakfast, I sat at the desk and Kelly had left a sweet message on IM for me - what a way to start the day: a thoughtful and loving message from a friend; lots and lots of encouraging comments on my blog - you women rock!!!!; a surprise phone call from Cara - an extra bonus since she was herself feeling like dog dirt after being up half the night with a nasty virus.....
You know, screw the NYTimes! These blogs are not about self-centeredness - they are about being there for your friends and supporting other women/mothers when they need a boost.
I love you all - even you virtual cyber-strangers who take the time to check on me and to post a thoughtful word or two. What would I do without you?
Until Next Time, God Bless You Abundantly.
Posts written by humble servant
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