March 11, 2005
A Heavy Heart Filling with Joy
There have been some very heartbreaking things going on around me lately. I'm almost afraid to list them, for fear of making other hearts heavy. But, I feel like I want to record this time - this time that I feel I am being pulled out of a fog of depression. And I can't help but think that my prayers for these other dear women and families have helped pull me closer to God and thus lifting the fog of the last year.
I will start by mentioning the recent losses that break my heart. I literally feel it falling into pieces for the others dealing with the true pain.
*First, my friend B - she grew up with my husband being like a cousin. They have a beautiful son about 18 months old and they'd been working on giving him a sibling. Sadly, the pregnancy ended abruptly in the early stages. Joyfully, they are resting in the Lord and know His plan is sometimes not our own. They trust that He will give them another child in His time.
*Second, Rebekah - some of you may remember her from iP. She has a beautiful son and she and her husband have been working on giving him a sibling - for a year? She lost a pregnancy last summer. And sadly, another one in recent weeks. Joyfully, they are also resting in the Lord and her entry today has prompted this entry from me. It is definitely worth reading, even if you don't know her.
*Third, my friend T - she and I were fast friends in Atlanta and found we had so much in common we were able to finish each other's sentences the 2nd time we were together. She and her husband have been working on adding a third child to their family. Sadly, she had a miscarriage late in the first trimester. Joyfilly, they are resting in the Lord and know that their family will grow in His time. Are you starting to notice a pattern here?
*Most recently, my heart is aching for Julia. She has been trying desperately for ages to give precious Patrick a sibling. After too many losses to list (I think 7?!), they discovered her husband has a tadpole issue. They have gone to great lengths to improve their chances of conceiving a healthy baby by traveling across the country to a clinic to have IVF with PGD (they find the healthy sperm in a sample and use those to fertilize her eggs and then take the most thriving blasts and implant those). The IVF was a success - she did, in fact, have a pregnancy - and a subsequent beating heart within her womb. Sad doesn't even come close to what happened earlier this week. I don't have a "joyfully" yet for Julia. I just have a broken heart for her, but I do trust there will be a joyfully statement soon - in her weakness, I will believe enough for her.
*One of my best friend's husbands did not get the job he really wanted. A "dream" job that also happened to be his first real opportunity since he was laid off months ago. Joyfully, they are resting in the Lord and know that He will open the right door at the right time. And in the meantime, he is working on some education that will make him even more marketable in the future. Those who help themselves....
*A very close family friend - a woman so much like family since my husband was a little boy - last week had surgery to remove a lump and ended up needing a mastectomy. She has breast cancer, a pretty aggressive form. She will soon begin chemotherapy and then probably radiation. Joyfully, medical advances have been made and there is an opportunity for her to be treated and prayerfully, she will beat the cancer. Not to mention, she is trusting in the Lord and resting in His powerful and merciful embrace.
*My great-grandmother recently had to be put in a nursing home because she is truly losing her mind. This decision broke my aunt's heart and it breaks the hearts of all who know her to hear that her life has deteriorated to the point there was no other option. Joyfully, she's led a long and full life, in spite of the emotional pain she's endured over the years.
*My grandmother had surgery to replace both of her knees this week. She is in a lot of pain post-surgery, but joyfully, she will feel like a new person once she is healed. - Again, thank God he's given the gift of medicine to make these things possible.
*Sean is back in the hospital and I've been worried all week since we haven't heard from Shelly on how he's doing. Another thing is that Shelly and her husband have been having a disconnect and I know that during this difficult time with Sean's health, they really need each other.
*And one last purely joyful thing: Kate and Brody are going to participate in a walk for the March of Dimes to raise money and awareness for premature births and their effects. Please go and sponsor her - even if you just donate 3 dollars (give up that latte this week!) - each donation gets her closer to her goal. I am so happy that Brody is happy and healthy and doesn't seem to be suffering from prematurity.
All these things remind me that I have been buried under this depression for so so long, that it's been difficult for me to remember what it is like to function without it. I felt I was at the lowest I could be at many points in the past year. Joyfully, the Lord is bringing me out of the rubble. And it seems that the more I rely on Him, the better I feel. Even though I still have the hormonal issues (I'll talk about that in another post) of a strange post-partum, I am feeling like my brain and my heart are reclaiming normalcy. Joy!
I pray for you to have peace and happiness today and this weekend. Much love to you, dear blog-readers if there are any of you left out there ;)
Posts written by humble servant
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