March 28, 2005
Celebrations and Sadness
This is an odd week.

Starting with Easter... the celebration of our Savior's resurrection! It is an incredible celebration - that Christ was brought back from the dead on the third day. Absolutely incredible. His sacrifice for us, His pain on the cross, His death.... To have the scriptures fulfilled by His Resurrection! Boundless blessings!

Our Easter was surrounded by family - the best kind of celebration. We'd spent the night with A's parents and we woke early and went to early mass (to avoid the crowds of bi-annual church-goers). My mom and step-dad joined us with A's family for Easter supper. It was simple, yet everything was delicious and it is wonderful for us to fold my mom and pop into the fold of A's tight-knit family. Lovely. After afternoon naps, we loaded the car headed back to our home.

This Wednesday is Little A's third birthday. Amazing how time flies. I remember the morning of her birth as if it were last month... What a blessed experience it was. She was born Holy Saturday (Easter weekend) and her name means Resurrection. (We did not name her based on the fact she was due at Easter, though it turns out to be ultra-special.)

Thursday is the first anniversary of the date I gave birth to our daughter Gabriella's tiny body. I am feeling overwhelmed each day as I recall what I was doing on this day one year ago - for the past week, I've been wondering each day if THIS day was the anniversary of her death.... It is a strange way to spend the days. For instance - one year ago today, I was sitting on a cold sidewalk overlooking the Thames River, waiting for the rest of our group to show up for our last supper in Europe. One year ago tomorrow at this very moment, I was in an ambulance on my way to the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania. Just after being met on the tarmac by the ambulance and having a customs agent meet me in the ambulance to check my bags back into the US. Right at this moment, I was afraid for the life of the child I carried within me, who just days before I'd heard her strong and steady heartbeat. Worrying that I knew noone in Philadelphia, I was by myself, in every sense... Looking back I was even more alone than I thought since at that point, I still had hope that my child within would live.

So..... I feel terrible. I am incredibly sad. I am incredibly happy. I am incredibly torn since I want this week to be a happy one for our family as we celebrate Little A's third birthday. I want reassurance that with each year, this week's pain will lessen and our celebrations of Little A's birth will not always be darkly overshadowed by her sister's death. So, starting tomorrow, we have plans outside the house every day this week. I just can't be here, left in the silence of my brain. It's just too painful.

Until next time, I pray you hold your little ones close and remind them how much you love them. And I pray you marvel at the wonder of God's sacrifice and the resurrection of His Son that offers an example to the rest of us - ultimate, unconditional love. Christ's love for us was so great He endured a torturous end to His earthly life - to atone for the sins of the world. My sacrifice seems so small in comparison.
Posts written by humble servant
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