Before the other kids came for the summer, I struggled with how much patience I would have with five children. Granted, I was struggling at the time with an idea rather than fact because I still only had my two girls here with me.
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I warned my own children that my patience would be divided further once there were three additional kids in our family (albeit temporarily). My thoughts were this: if I have, say, ten units of patience and they are currently being divided among two children (sort of an 80-20 split, if you know what I mean), then those same ten units of patience were not going to go nearly as far with 5 total children.
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My husband pointed out that though I'd been praying for more patience, God would not necessarily give it to me before the moment it was absolutely needed. And that has turned out to be true. I am amazed at how I've been able to keep my cool, when previously I'd lose it a bit more frequently than I'm comfortable with or even comfortable admitting.
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The visiting children have come from an environment where respect is not modeled well (read: at all) and their behavior reflects that accurately. These children treat each other and the people around them with such disregard and unkindness that it has really impacted my daughters negatively. My girls are stressed and unhappy that there is so much fighting going on around them, and my younger one has been the target of teasing and taunting all summer, merely because she is the youngest (and the "gifted" ones view her as stupid).
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The oldest (girl) and youngest (boy) are labeled by the school as outstanding students, both "gifted". The parents and grandparents have rewarded them for this. You can imagine that the middle child is marginalized even further in this situation. He is viewed as the instigator of squabbles and the one who has the hardest time reigning in his anger. Surprisingly, we have seen this summer that not only is the middle child more respectful of the adults, but he is the first to volunteer to be a helper when one is requested. He is the first to thank me when we go out to do something fun. While he does have a hard time reigning in his temper at times, he's just not being taught regularly how to cope with his anger in a less destructive way. As a matter of fact, none of them are being taught this.
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The two "gifted" children have been further damaged by this idea that they are somehow more special - not accountable for their actions because of their superior intelligence. They have nasty attitudes (likely an outward sign of their own anger at their life situation) and speak down to everyone, including us. They talk back and frequently act mean.
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Please note that I am not in any way complaining about these children. They are definitely products of a particular environment. But I am writing these things, not just to be honest, but to point out the effect putting three emotionally stunted and ill-adjusted children into a stable and healthy family. The effect has been immense. I am exhausted every day from the constant behavior monitoring and intervention, not to mention the emotional exhaustion from being completely disrespected by 11- and 7 year-old children.
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I can only assume that these children have never been expected to clean up after themselves (or it's never been enforced) as my house is in constant disarray. They have to be reminded multiple times at each meal to put their dishes in the sink or dishwasher and clean their place at the table, in addition to about 50 other instances where they just leave a disaster in their wake.
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My children are not spotless and sometimes have to be reminded to pick up after themselves, but I have more than quintupled the time I am spending asking for children to clean up after themselves, in spite of only doubling the number of kids.
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Each day, I have carefully reminded the girl of our expectations about behavior and the appropriate way to interact with others, only to have to send her to her room for being mean to others and shouting/screaming/shrieking at me. (As I type, she is in her room, having lost her priveleges and not permitted to help at VBS as she has been this week.) If there were a day I wished I could put her on a plane back to her home state, that day would be yesterday. And today. Hopefully not tomorrow.
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It's been challenging, to say the least, but I have to continue to HOPE that the Lord is using this time in ways I cannot see. Because the behavior? it has not changed much. My greatest struggle has been to see my own children hurting and stressed. We've worked to send them off with friends for some time away from the madness and that has helped. And I've spent extra time cuddling with them or just whispering sweet things to them and thanking them for being as kind as they have been through all of this. They have not handled it perfectly (they're kids!), but considering how much our world has been turned upside down, I think we're all doing pretty well.
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But I do have to admit that I am now at the point where I am counting down the days until our family reverts to 4. I plan to spend next Wednesday afternoon curled on the couch with my girls tucked in next to me and a couple movies. Or a trip to the park and then a movie. ANYTHING, just alone with my girls.
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SO much good has come out of this summer for our family. I hope good has also come out of it for our friends' family, but right now, I just can't see it.
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Until next time, keep plugging along and God bless you.
