August 24, 2005
Stress is a big ol' b/tch
I have been getting some pretty incredible emails lately. I thank everyone who has prayed, thought of me and my family, and those of you who have gone a step further and told me how much I mean to you or done ANYTHING to try to cheer me up. The fact is, I've had a rough time. Ask Becca, I don't answer my phone most of the time - even though I KNOW she is calling because she cares. I'm starting to feel like one of our other friends was acting for a while when she was at her lowest. {wry grin}
So, this morning, the mother of all emails came. It was from someone who I've had a hard time referring to as "my friend" - it's always been "My friend, M's wife". But the thing is, she IS my friend. It isn't that she WASN'T my friend before, but her husband is the first friend I had in FL and we knew each other before marriages and children and all that. And it was just this morning that I GOT it. She's not polite to me because I have been friends with her husband longer than they've been together (at least I don't have live with him - haha!), and gosh, she might actually like to BE my friend too. So, after she sent me this nice email about M giving her my blog address (I was SURE I'd given it to her last year - I feel bad now to know that I didn't, since I LOVE reading her website and livejournal, which are all about her incredible family - especially a son who I think just might be the future husband of one of my girls - haha!). Anyway, I thought instead of giving a proper update on what's going on with me, I'd just rip off myself and copy part of my emailed response to my friend, D.
"Things have been building up for months (a year or more?) and well, the stress of everything has just pretty much broken me. There are a lot of things I don't share because as I talk about what's going on in my life, it really just sounds like all I have to say is bad stuff. And really, in general, I was holding it together pretty well until this past weekend.

You know how you can in anger (or total screwed-up-mindedness), twist a simple argument into something way more than what's it is REALLY about? Well, something like that happened and instead of Adam and me having a discussion about what HE was doing to add to the stress, I just about exploded all over him. And it really had little to do with him and his actions (hey, I think he's great most of the time) - though admittedly, he WAS responsible for some of the stress.
Anyway.... I saw my therapist last week (if you read a few posts back) and am now taking some anti-anxiety narcotics on a daily basis. But because I had a bit too much wine on Friday night, I didn't take it (not a good thing to mix substances) and then felt a nasty cold on Saturday and I guess I forgot to take my med before falling into bed at 8 pm. So, now that I am back to regular dosing, I am feeling more leveled off.
Adam and I did go see my therapist yesterday (am I really so out of it that I have to have WEEKLY visits again?! Argh!). Anyway, she pointed out that due to everything that's been going on she was surprised we've held it together (and stayed emotionally connected to each other) for THIS long. I guess in a way that was a comfort, but in other ways, we both said some angry and mean things to the other in the past few days and I know it will be a while til we are both feeling like our hearts are healed (even though we both know the things were said in high stress and completely unusual circumstances).

So, I am actually okay now. In a drug-induced haze, but okay. Adam and I eventually last night did talk to each other without jabs (we were just silent before then, after therapy) and then as the evening wore on, we were closer to normal - joking with each other and apologizing in the dark (he obviously has a hard time facing me for his apologies). I even laid my head on his chest while we laid in bed before going to sleep - a feat considering I didn't want him to touch me at all before then.

And well, I see my therapist again next week to start to trudge through the rest. I think Adam and I will likely go again a time or two to get ourselves with more solid footing, so to speak."
The thing is, there's been a lot more going on than I've been sharing - or maybe not a LOT - but there's some stuff about my extended family that I've just kept silent about here. I don't want to bash anyone for their actions or make myself sound like a drama queen - because that's not what I'm about. And heck, you all think I've been through SO MUCH without even knowing about all of it. So, suffice to say, the pressure and the stress just tore me into pieces. I saw it coming, I didn't know how to stop it. And now we rebuild. The difficult part for me will not be repairing the bruises to my marriage (thank GOD that part is so much easier, because of how much we actually do love and respect each other - when I am not acting like a raving lunatic).
I know I'm a good mother 99.9% of the time. It is the times like this week where I feel like I am nothing but nothing and my self-esteem is in the proverbial toilet that I have trouble seeing exactly who I've become. I worry constantly that I'm doing the right thing and not creating situations that will cause my daughters to seek years and years of therapy....
But, clear heads will prevail and with some serious help, I will back to good in just a little bit of time.
And in the meantime, it means so much to me to know how much I am loved and valued by others, even when I can't understand why or how. And then I realize that is the twelve year old abused girl trying to take over my brain again. And I have to just learn how to make her believe that none of it was ever her fault.
I'll be gone for a few days - I have a friend coming to visit and we are going on a mini-vacation (with kids) to Orlando, Disney and all. I've extended it an extra day because I feel like I just need a break to let the rawness heal a bit before jumping back into real life. Until then, tell your loved ones you love them - and know that YOU are loved as well.
God Bless.
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