August 03, 2007
Update: Anxiety
I posted last week about some familial anxiety I was having and I just wanted to say that yesterday was the event.
I was feeling optimistic about the whole thing - we've been having such a nice visit with our family here and I just couldn't wait to see my youngest brother. Sure, there have been hiccups in the trip - one bedwetting (not mine), letting my uncle's dogs loose (again, not my mistake), and the night before the event, one kid waking me at 1 am telling me her belly hurts and she thinks she might throw up (she did) - and then of course, she wanted to sleep in bed with me (in a twin! and she has 19 arms and legs when she's sleeping)..... And then yesterday, when I awoke, I had a total meltdown. Maybe it was the lack of sleep more than the actual level of my anxiety. Nah, it wasn't. It was from my anxiety.
Bookworm and I went to mass first thing in the morning (I needed all the grace I could get) and after mass, I was finally able to connect on the phone with my therapist. And then I melted. I don't know if I've cried like that in the last year. Man, she must have been thinking that maybe we haven't made such progress in the past 8 years. :) But, she was encouraging, of course, and reminded me of some key things and I started to think this all might work out to be okay after all.
It went surprisingly well. My (step)mom actually gave me a hug when they arrived and I was relieved that my brother didn't seem to feel uncomfortable at all. He tolerated my ogling with good-natured laughs - he's taller than me! he looks almost like a man! He was kind (which says a lot because since he was about 6, I've only seen him for about a grand total of 4-5 hours - I just haven't been allowed to see him.)
It wasn't that awkward with my (step)mom. She went outside to smoke a lot with my (other) brother. But she talked to me (didn't ignore me as she had the last time) and was pleasant. Of course, the conversation was all light and fluffy, but I think it was exactly what we could all handle.
A conversation with my (youngest) brother, whilst he played a video game with his nephews:
me: Do you check your email often? [left unsaid: because it seems to take you 6-8 weeks to respond to an email from me]
him: Nah, when I'm on the computer, I'm usually messing around, playing a game
me: Brother says maybe I should just text you on your phone instead. [we might actually stay in touch regularly if I speak your language better]
him: (laugh) Yeah, he's probably right.
me: Well, then give me your cell number (as I pick up my phone and ready myself to save the number).
him: (recites the number as I punch the numbers into my palm) Are you texting me now? (smile)
me: (picks up his phone - strange, but we have the same phone - and put my number in it before replacing it on the table)
him: Did you just save your number into my phone?
me: (panicking just a little as it occurs to me maybe he didn't want it) Yeah.
The best part of my whole day (excluding Jesus):
him: Cool.
I nearly cried. He even smiled for me when I stuck my phone in his face to snap a picture of him. (His shaggy hair was intentionally in his face when I was trying to take some pictures of him holding our baby niece earlier.)
Bonus: I get to see them again on Sunday!
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