I try not to talk too much about too much personal on here. I'm aware this is a "public" domain and I would be horrified if someone read something that made them feel bad or like I was sharing information that was hurtful to them.
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So, for the most part, I have refrained from talking about my parental relationships. Or at least one in particular. My dad's second wife (who raised me and my brother for the second part of our childhood - actually, my brother was with them from his 8th year on) and I have a strained relationship - at best. I can't tell you why this has come to pass, for many years I thought we were close or at least marginally close - or comparibly so, anyway. Regardless, we aren't. We weren't. Ever. It was an illusion, apparently. And I've been very hurt by that realization.
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I have struggled for years, trying to determine the cause of the demise of our relationship and feeling terribly guilty, as my immediate family tends to lay the blame on me (I guess it's easy for them to, since I moved far away and all). I suppose it's easy to believe that someone is doing something intentionally when you're only hearing the other side of the story - and you're never faced with total reality.
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As a result of my strained relationship with my chronologically second mom, I have been unable to have a relationship with my "baby" brother. He is barely a teen right now and was a literal baby when our father died. I have struggled with a decision I made almost 4 years ago to protect myself from the pain inflicted on me by my mom's careless (intentional?) jabs. In making that decision, I severed my ties to her and essentially to her son, my brother, as well. It has been a terrible pain in my heart to be missing such a chunk of my family. After it'd been 3 years, this past Christmas, I sent my brother a gift and a card with a hearfelt message written inside. We have since had just a little bit of correspondence (mostly me sending emails and his responses are a few words after 6 weeks or so - but that's what happens with a 14 year old boy, I suppose.)
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When I went to visit my family a couple months ago, I tried to arrange a visit with my "baby" brother and it blew up in my face and in the faces of my (other, younger by 15 months) brother and his wife. It was an ugly scene, one I do not care to recreate, neither in words nor memory.
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The point of all this? I am headed again, next week, to visit family. I called yesterday, to try to arrange a visit with my "baby" brother and left a message. Today, I got a return call from my stepmother. It turns out we will be having lunch together at my (other) brother's house. I am nervous, yet excited. I can't wait to see my brother. Thinking about it now makes me weepy and sets loose butterflies in my stomach. I am anxious about a reunion with my stepmom - someone who hasn't exactly acted happy to see me for about the last 10+ years.
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I am actually looking forward to the visit with some hope that one day we will be reconciled and she will have peace in her heart. And ironically, it works out best for us that we get together on Thursday, which is the 13th anniversary of my Dad's death.
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May God be with me and with my brothers and our "mom", especially, on what could turn out to be a decent day. May I have the grace and maturity to say and do the right things and may my brother be open to getting to know me and my girls and joining the fold of my beautiful family.
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Thanks for listening, and I'd appreciate any prayers you might have to offer. And know that I am praying for you too.
.
God Bless you.
.
So, for the most part, I have refrained from talking about my parental relationships. Or at least one in particular. My dad's second wife (who raised me and my brother for the second part of our childhood - actually, my brother was with them from his 8th year on) and I have a strained relationship - at best. I can't tell you why this has come to pass, for many years I thought we were close or at least marginally close - or comparibly so, anyway. Regardless, we aren't. We weren't. Ever. It was an illusion, apparently. And I've been very hurt by that realization.
.
I have struggled for years, trying to determine the cause of the demise of our relationship and feeling terribly guilty, as my immediate family tends to lay the blame on me (I guess it's easy for them to, since I moved far away and all). I suppose it's easy to believe that someone is doing something intentionally when you're only hearing the other side of the story - and you're never faced with total reality.
.
As a result of my strained relationship with my chronologically second mom, I have been unable to have a relationship with my "baby" brother. He is barely a teen right now and was a literal baby when our father died. I have struggled with a decision I made almost 4 years ago to protect myself from the pain inflicted on me by my mom's careless (intentional?) jabs. In making that decision, I severed my ties to her and essentially to her son, my brother, as well. It has been a terrible pain in my heart to be missing such a chunk of my family. After it'd been 3 years, this past Christmas, I sent my brother a gift and a card with a hearfelt message written inside. We have since had just a little bit of correspondence (mostly me sending emails and his responses are a few words after 6 weeks or so - but that's what happens with a 14 year old boy, I suppose.)
.
When I went to visit my family a couple months ago, I tried to arrange a visit with my "baby" brother and it blew up in my face and in the faces of my (other, younger by 15 months) brother and his wife. It was an ugly scene, one I do not care to recreate, neither in words nor memory.
.
The point of all this? I am headed again, next week, to visit family. I called yesterday, to try to arrange a visit with my "baby" brother and left a message. Today, I got a return call from my stepmother. It turns out we will be having lunch together at my (other) brother's house. I am nervous, yet excited. I can't wait to see my brother. Thinking about it now makes me weepy and sets loose butterflies in my stomach. I am anxious about a reunion with my stepmom - someone who hasn't exactly acted happy to see me for about the last 10+ years.
.
I am actually looking forward to the visit with some hope that one day we will be reconciled and she will have peace in her heart. And ironically, it works out best for us that we get together on Thursday, which is the 13th anniversary of my Dad's death.
.
May God be with me and with my brothers and our "mom", especially, on what could turn out to be a decent day. May I have the grace and maturity to say and do the right things and may my brother be open to getting to know me and my girls and joining the fold of my beautiful family.
.
Thanks for listening, and I'd appreciate any prayers you might have to offer. And know that I am praying for you too.
.
God Bless you.
