Wow, it's been a month since I posted. I'd like to say that all is great and I've just been ultra-busy living life here in the Chesapeake delta. But, if I'm being completely honest, that's only partly true.
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This year has been rough for me, emotionally. There's not really a specific reason, but I've been depressed. I guess that's the ugly part of depression - you don't have to have a real reason for it to hit you and take you down. Sure, there are triggers. But, I expected to feel blue due to the triggers and just haven't been able to pull myself out of the thick black clouds.
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To give you an idea how seriously I've been trying, I started after Easter on a mission to improve my health. To date, I've lost 22 pounds (I have a lot more to go, but physically, I am finally starting to see a difference). I began walking and trying to generally increase my daily motion. I have thrown myself into making new friends and getting involved and have even been hosting a regular playdate for the kids and moms in our homeschool group. I'm doing all the "right" things to prevent the black cloud from hovering in my life. It just hasn't been working.
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Things kind of blew up this past weekend with some friends (that did not involve me at all) and a lot of stuff was said and came out and it finally dawned on me what one of my major triggers has been. My friends, who have been in a major crisis for more than a year, have made decisions that make me feel completely paralyzed. You see, their kids are being adversely affected every single day - and my inability to save them from the pain and suffering has really been a strain on me. Not only do they live far away, but what they are witnessing is practically identical to what I witnessed as a child. I love these children as family, yet have been unable to protect them from their parents' decisions in the past year. Clearly, with my own deep-rooted issues, this has been a major trauma in my life this past 15+ months. Only I never saw it. I was sad for them, but I didn't really give it much introspective thought until this weekend.
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And the clarity I have this week is one I haven't had in months. It's weird when you get things into perspective how quickly the cloud can start to lift. I've also been honest with some close friends about how I've been feeling - and admitted that in my depression, I have separated myself from those I need the most. I still have one more phone call to make about that, so when you read this today, my friend, please don't think I wasn't going to talk to you about this.
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Plus, it helps that next week, we are headed to the beach with my extended family on my Dad's side. It is panning out to be a spectacular vacation and it will be wonderful to be reconnected to my own family of origin. (To be fair, I love my husband's family and my mother and I enjoy spending time with them all. But since my Dad died almost 13 years ago, I haven't exactly had a lot of warm fuzzies from my family. It really depressed everyone's ability to hold it together - that had been my Dad's position for so many years - and noone found it easy to step up and do it themselves. I'm so happy that it's starting to happen now - and a bit surprised to know that I'm a key part of it happening.)
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So, I am here. I still read you, if you're posting. I am terrible at commenting (again, with the paralyzing depression thing). But things are getting better and I hope to do better with staying in the open, rather than hiding under my rock. Things here are really wonderful, actually. I feel weird even saying I've been depressed in light of the nice things happening in my life. But, that's the way it goes.
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I promise to try to tell you in the coming weeks about the things going on here. Like I said, we're getting ready to go on vacation and we have a really nice date planned on Sunday. Some friends (from FL) will be in Philly and Husband's cousin has volunteered to keep the girls while we drive up and have dinner with our friends. I can't wait to see them - people who know me more intimately and with whom our family has spent a great deal of time with. They are one reason we acutely miss living in Lakeland.
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Anyway, I have to make sure the girls have some breakfast - they have piano lessons in just over an hour. I promise to come back before we leave for vacation.
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God Bless you!
