After our disappointing news a couple weeks ago, I was forced to stick with plans to go visit my family in Ohio. I say forced because I really wasn't in the mood for a road trip and then a few days with extended family.
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hmph.... It turns out, it was exactly what I needed.
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My family has long been a source of stress and feelings of rejection for me. Since my Dad died in 1994, I never really felt like I belonged anywhere. Not in the way I'd belonged in my family before then. Sure, my in-laws are fantastic and they couldn't do more or say or act more like I am one of their own - but I don't have a terribly long history with them. My mother's family tends to the ill-adjusted, so while I have great relationships with some, we're not really a cohesive family. And my dad's family.... well, for the most part, my Dad was the glue. And without him, nobody could seem to figure out how to maintain the family as a great big unit, even occasionally.
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Until this year. It turns out I have that knack that my Dad had of pulling people together. This year has been a boon for my entire family. I no longer feel like I have little to offer my own nuclear family in the way of extended family. My brother and I have formed a new kinship and it's awesome to see our kids together. Silly Sally was antsy the whole way there (an agonizing 5+ hours in the car), "My belly hurts from wanting to hug my cousins!" My uncle and aunt (Dad's brother and his wife) have made me feel more at home in my hometown than I have felt in years. They are honestly happy to have us there and they absolutely love my children. My uncle is so much like my Dad, it is nice to have my kids grow so close to him. Of course, I adored him as a kid (well, I still do), so it's really no surprise.
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I've really enjoyed being with my (step) grandma and learning new things about sewing from her. And it's awesome that I am getting to spend time with my youngest brother - even though he doesn't really enjoy it all that much yet. I don't take offense, though, since I have girl children and he is an almost 15-year-old high schooler. He's incredible, though (yes, I am biased) and is so sweet and good-natured - but don't tell him I said that. I would like to say that things were less awkward with my stepmom this time, but they weren't really. Yes, she sat next to me (intentionally), so that's an improvement. But I'd really like to have the opportunity to talk with her one on one and try to clear the air. She certainly seems happier than I've seen her since my Dad was still alive, so maybe things will continue to improve with us.
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It's been a great year. For real. I don't know if I've felt this loved since my Dad was alive. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. When I was in Ohio in August, I felt guilty for not visiting his grave (I was even there on the anniversary of his death and didn't drive up there.). This time, I allowed myself permission not to go. I know without a doubt that it's just my Dad's remains there and that he would rather I spend more time with his family, my family, than to take a couple hours to visit a cemetery. It is something I struggle with - but I can see that my time there before was an attempt to connect with someone who can no longer connect directly with me. That it's always been God's plan for us to connect to our dead loved ones through the others who knew and loved them - that's why we're given families, for better or for worse.
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On top of the reconnection with my Dad's family, we've enjoyed many visits with our other family as well. My mom has been here 3 times to visit for long weekends; in-laws came for Bookworm's First Communion; I've met and enjoyed being with my father-in-law's Baltimore-area family; and we all enjoyed a trip to see the Mouse in Orlando, along with a week with our family at "home". Plus, we're headed back to Florida for a few weeks in December.
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Yes, it's been a banner year for love in this house. I guess it's not so bad for us to be so far from where we want to be, if this is the result God had in mind.
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I want to mention a big THANK YOU to everyone who posted kind comments over our being declined from the foster care program. It is a great disappointment, but I know that God will find some other way for us to share our home and hearts with others while we are here. Your comments were a balm and I really appreciate them all. Really, this community is the reason I don't just close down the ol' blog.
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Also, do you think I should participate in NaBloPoMo again? Was it boring last year? Can I come up with enough interesting topics to write about? Or am I just too darn boring to even think about doing it again? I seriously want your opinion - all two of you. :)
