For the past four years, it has been on my heart to take care of a new baby. At first, I thought that meant we would have another of our own. And then, after a month of praying about it, I was given a message about other babies. Babies that would never be our own. Did this mean adoption? That didn't really make sense to me, since I knew (and still know now) that if we adopted, that child(ren) would be just as much ours as our girls. But, I gave it some thought and more prayer. And I was led to the Catholic Charities website. Where I read about foster parenting.
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I am not interested in traditional foster parenting, as I am certain I do not have the gumption to put my family through the struggles of other families. When I was in high school, my own family helped foster kids. I shared my room with 4 different girls in 9 months, sometimes 2 girls overlapped. Our experience was mixed - some good, some bad. It isn't something that I would happily do - if I felt called to do it, I think we'd wait until our own girls are about 10 years older. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about fostering babies.
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Foster-parenting babies that are being given up for adoption. Little babies that I would care for and love and hold - and then give away willingly. It seems a bit crazy, to be honest. But, I really felt pulled to this ministry. And after a few months of talking and praying about it, bam, I was pregnant. And we thought maybe I'd misread the cues from God to pursue this baby ministry.
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But then, we lost our precious daughter at nearly 20 weeks. And the thought of fostering was so far from my mind. But, in the past 3 years, it has continued to pop into my mind in prayer. But because we've moved so much and life has been happening at warp speed, we just didn't give it much thought, knowing if it was meant to be (Husband said it wasn't), it would present itself in a way that would be obvious to us both.
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As an aside, I'll tell you why we continue to discern what God wants from us - what He wants from our family. We're surrounded by families blessed with many children. Of course, it happens a lot in the homeschooling culture - it is definitely a culture of LIFE. I have found myself more than once, almost defending that we have "only" two children, explaining that God has chosen a different path for us. One mother gasped when she heard that I've had 7 miscarriages (including the 2nd trimester loss of Gabriella). She said there was no way she could deal with that emotionally. I laughed and told her there was no way I could deal emotionally with her state of 8 children. The reality is, though, I'd love to have half that number of children. And yet...
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God has made it clear that the door is closed for biological children (at least for now). I haven't had a regular cycle in over 3 years. In the past two, I've only had 3 months of something that appeared to be a cycle, with absolutely no indication of ovulation at any time. In TWO years. I've had tests to find the cause, but everything comes back clear. There is no explanation and while it certainly isn't normal for a 30 year-old woman not to possess fertility, it seems to be my case. I've had the offer to use something like Cl0mid to stimulate ovulation, but we agree that we don't want to do something that chemically alters what's going on naturally. We feel like God must have a different plan for us.
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And He does. This summer, while we were on vacation, Husband was praying specifically about our family. Asking God if He wants us to pursue more children. And the answer was a clear "yes". And when I prayed, I was given the message about fostering. So, we prayed together and decided it is time to get the ball rolling - at least to get more information.
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And this evening, we talked on the phone to the coordinator of the program here in our archdiocese. And got information. And I thought, "whoa, is this really what we want to do? I mean, these babies are coming off drugs, most are preemies... what about sleep? and eating in restaurants?..." Husband said, "Let's pray." We finally told the girls what we were thinking of doing (read: "by the way, kids, we think we might turn our family life upside down to take care of needy babies"). We asked them to pray with us. After dinner, we went in the living room and sat together on the sofa, each with a string of beads in our fingers. We prayed a rosary, asking God to guide us, to help us know His will for our family. Afterward, we opened the Bible. We randomly open it and see if God has a word for us. Usually, we do this three times (I don't know exactly why three, but it seems to be our number). God gave us words each time - the first, in 2 Kings, we were urged to "stand in the renewed covenant"; in Ezekiel, we waded deeper and deeper, til it felt like we couldn't make it, yet God pulled us safely to the shore; and in Hebrews 13, Paul urged us to share what we have, for God is pleased by sacrifices of that kind.
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Afterwards, I tried convincing Husband of all the reasons we shouldn't do this - disrupt school, limit our flexibility, heartbreak to give away babies that I've cared for since their births, strain on our schedules (particularly for sleeping) and finances (aside from WIC for formula, there is only a small stipend to cover expenses and it won't cover all of them)... What a change from earlier today when I mentioned that I hadn't heard back from the coordinator. Husband was still trying to convince me it was all a bad idea. And tonight we realized we don't have a choice - God has called us to this. And if we are misreading this call in any way, we won't make it through the training process and the state licensing process and home-study.
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So, if you could, pray for us. We are going to be seeking extra grace in the coming months as we prepare our family for this ministry. And we'll be seeking even more grace once we are licensed. We are pretty much guaranteed to have a baby in our home shortly after Christmas. A baby with special needs - a baby who needs special love and care and attention. I just hope that we can be as special as God is calling us to be to fulfill His mission.
