Oh, if I knew then what I know now......
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As you might know, today is my 30th birthday. I know many are waiting on an entry about my trip to Vegas ~ no doubt with baited breath, though I'll surely disappoint ~ but since it's taking me longer than I thought to get it together, it'll wait until later (today, hopefully?)
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About being 30. It isn't so much that I am fearing 30 - I am excited about it, really. I am getting in shape, I'm in a great marriage, I have incredible kids, I have a slew of great friends.... It is more that I am feeling a bit shell-shocked, I suppose.
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How did I get to be 30? Not that I try to deny it, but I really am an adult now. Have I been reluctant to see it? I have no idea why, but it seems I've been "playing house". As if my mind has yet to catch up with my life. I find it difficult to believe that my sweet V has become such a big girl at 5 - and that my baby, Little A, is going to be 4 in a few very short months. My baby.
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So, friends, 30 isn't looking the greatest (yet), but I am empowered much moreso than I was at 20. To give a comparison of life from then and now:
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When I was 20, I had a severe drinking problem so bad that my stepmother cashed in a flight voucher for a one way ticket to send me to Florida to live with my uncle. This was after my dad's mom kicked me out of her house on Thanksgiving evening.
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Now that I'm 30, I drink so rarely that a glass or two of wine is enough to send me reeling. I have no relationship with my stepmother, after spending many years beating myself up over the fact that she wants nothing to do with me (as if putting me on a plane to Florida to wash her hands of me was not indication enough back then). And I have a fabulous relationship with my grandma, knowing that her kicking me out was one of the best things she could have done for me.
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When I was 20, I had no direction, I'd dropped out of college, I had no car. That year, I had 4 different jobs after my move to Florida - that's not counting the 2 jobs I had before my move.
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Now that I'm 30, I still have pretty much no direction, but at least I feel like I'm accomplishing something in raising two wonderful daughters. I have an idea what I want to be when I grow up and I'm looking forward to start soon doing some volunteer work with the local crisis pregnancy center.
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When I was 20, I did not have the best judge of character, but still somehow managed to meet one of the best friends I will have in my life. And if you read this, dude, I want my computer stuff! And you know how much I love you and you, and now your family, mean to me.
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Now that I am 30, I am blessed beyond reason with incredible friends. Friends who fill the gap when my family falls short. Friends who like me just the way I am. Friends who I would do anything for ~ who make me want to be a better friend!
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When I was 20, I couldn't get over the fact that I'd lost my dad just a year before and that it ripped my family apart. That the only contact with my mom's family was with my cousin and uncle and their family - and this is who I moved to Florida to be with. I felt incredibly alone and rather unwanted by both sides of my family. There were many many days I didn't move from bed except to go to the bathroom.
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Now that I'm 30, I have a pretty amazing family myself. A husband and children who far exceed any dreams I may have had. I've built a pretty good relationship with my mom, spanned some bridges with the rest of her family. I am blessed with incredible in-laws. The "normal", stable family unit that I didn't know growing up. And the holes are filled in with the above-mentioned friends.
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When I was 20, I had a body that was nearly perfect. I wasted it and took advantage of it. I disrespected it and disregarded its health.
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Now that I'm 30, I am working very hard to restore my body to good health. I appreciate the wonders of my body - that it was able to help produce 2 amazing daughters, that it is capable of being a strong and sexy force in my marriage.
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When I was 20, I just didn't know what lay ahead. I was scared out of my mind of what life had in store for me. I had no idea what to do next, how to set a goal, how to follow through.
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Now that I'm 30, my goals are different than I could have imagined and I just trust that the Lord will pull me through the rough patches. I trust that the Lord will give me greater follow through than I could ever have on my own. I trust that the Lord's plan is greater than any dream I had as a girl, or even at 20, when I was sure I was no longer a girl.
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Now that I'm 30, I appreciate what I've been blessed with. I work hard to nourish relationships (maybe not always the best I could do, but I'm a work in progress). I know that God's presence in my life is real and has changed me - definitely for the better.
And I know that now it is time to take my girls out for bagels for my birthday breakfast. Then to the grocery store. :) Ah, being 30 rocks, don'tcha think?
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Speaking of rocking: Becca, you are wonderful!!! What a beautiful surprise to come home to after breakfast out with my girls! Thank you so much!!!
