February 07, 2005
Sorry to Start the Week Off Like This...
Well, I don't really know what I am going to write about here. Should I write about my awful day Friday, when I was ready to shut both kids out on the porch til their daddy came home? Nah. Should I write about how I have been doing some e-research on my FIL's heart condition and how worried I am about him? Not yet. Should I write about my awesome husband who shoved me out the door and told me to come home late after I had that really bad day? Maybe later. I think I might be cliche and do a sappy Valentine's Day post about what I love about him.

So... What do I write about? I guess I could tell you all that things aren't always what they seem. I guess I could just talk about me. Talk about how I am lonely. How I am depressed. How I need my therapist. How I kinda want to escape from my life for a couple days. But a little vacation is just not going to do the trick - because I'd still have to come back to my life, depressing as that may seem to me in the moment. But I have no clue what is wrong with my life in the moment....

The problem? I have no worldly clue. I am totally at odds with myself. I am happy that we see our families nearly every week now. I am happy that A is working for a different company and although he faces challenges right now in his job, he mostly likes it and is excited for the future. I am happy that we didn't deal with the ice storm that hit Atlanta (and other parts of GA) last weekend and mostly have sunny days. I do miss my friends in Atlanta and I don't get to see my friends in Tampa Bay enough, but I don't feel like it is bad enough to cause me to feel the way I do. I love my husband and feel that we have an excellent marriage. I honestly can't say I have any complaints. For the most part, my beautiful girls are good-natured and well-behaved. And yeah, little A is having some behavior issues and I wish she would just. use. the. potty. but I know we won't have a diaper wearing 5 year old. She's just not ready to grow up that much yet. I can't pinpoint what is going on in my head and causing me distress.

There are the outside things: I feel great happiness when I first see a baby: "oh, how sweet" "look how cute" and all that. If I look for more than 5 seconds, I get a lump in my throat and then tears fill my eyes and then spill onto my cheeks. Why? I have no clue. The only thing I can think is maybe I haven't truly dealt with the whole package of grief since our Gabriella died? Is it possible that maybe I am required to go through the anger phase to get to the end of the grief? You know what I am talking about - everyone knows there are 5 stages of grief.... Is it really required to pass through each of those stages in order to truly heal that grief? I just don't know. If it is required, then who do you suppose I should be angry with? Who do you suppose I should blame?

Do I blame God? How can I possibly when I accept that His plan is greater than our own and I just trust that He is taking care of the details when we are unable to understand. Or do I blame myself? This makes much more sense to me than blaming God, but come on, I have had no less than 9 medical personnel reassure me that I did nothing to endanger the daughter in my womb. So, what am I supposed to do?

I know that there is something wrong in my head. I just can't figure out what it is. Is it hormonal? Possibly. Is it out of the question that it has nothing to do with the loss of our daughter? Not at all out of the question.

Then what could be causing me to feel inexplicably depressed, sad, lonely.... and what makes me cry when I see babies? Better yet, what makes me cry to nearly sobbing in the joy I feel when little A is overjoyed to see me each time the carnival train comes 'round the corner and she catches my eye? I mean, come on, people. I was CRYING over watching my girls riding carnival rides - especially the dragon rollercoaster.

What is wrong with me? Can you give me a clue, God? Because no amount of prayer has turned up an answer for me... What do you all think? My therapist says "what you are feeling is perfectly normal." THEN WHY DON'T I FEEL AT ALL NORMAL?!?!?!
Posts written by humble servant
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