August 31, 2005
Happy Bloggy Birthday!
One Year of Posting my Thoughts = FREE (Gotta love blogger)
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Number of Posts = 158 (not nearly as prolific as some others, but not too bad considering I moved twice since then)
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Number of Friends I've Made via my Blog and Theirs = Countless
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The Impact You've Made on My Life in the Last Year = Priceless
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I don't know how long I'll keep this blogging thing up, but I just know it has been one of the most supportive parts of my life in the last year. You helped me get through a 3 month job separation from my husband last year, my older daughter's first year of school, moving back to our home state, losing my stepdad, not knowing if my husband was going to keep his job, moving again!, a nervous breakdown.... The list could go on.
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I can't thank you enough for your love and support and friendship in the last year. I can't believe I resisted so long in starting a blog.... And the amazing friends I've made along the way. I can't wait to have the opportunity to meet more of you in person and to see again those I have.
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You mean so much to me. And for as long as you're around, I suppose I'll be sharing my life with you through this medium. I know it has helped me even strengthen friendships I had IRL, for the few who read here.
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Much love and many blessings for you and this coming blog-year.
Posts written by humble servant
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August 30, 2005
Happy Birthday, Princess!
Today is my sweet first daughter's birthday. As a matter of fact, the time of her birth came and went during the hours of our slumber, even though that's not how it happened 5 years ago.
I thought I might write one of those beautiful entries that so many of you do, listing the growth and new things your child has done in the last year, but I think I might save that for handwritten work to put into her scrapbook.
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But I will say that it has been a joy to be her mother. If there was a definition of a practically perfect child, V's picture would be next to it. Lover of God, well-behaved, caring, an amazing big sister, compassionate, sharing, loving, intelligent, funny, eager to learn, beautiful.... I could go on all day. Instead, I think I'll go make my princess her favorite breakfast of pancakes and enjoy spending another day with her before she grows too old to want to spend her days with her mom.
And I might just spend some time reflecting on the marvelous creation that God has entrusted to my care for a brief time.
I hope you have a marvelous day as well. God Bless You.
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August 29, 2005
Birthday Party Weekend
Saturday morning was abuzz with birthday party preparations and I really appreciate how much work L and my dear husband did to make the party a reality. In spite of feeling better in general, I was still a bit overwhelmed at the prospect of having all these people at my house and even more overwhelmed by the preparations. This year, V is lucky she had a party at all. If L hadn't been in town and A so willing to do most of the work, I would have definitely cancelled the party. As it turned out, it was all perfect.
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Everyone was late, but that was okay, because it gave us a few minutes of feeling like "ahh..." before people started arriving.
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We were incredibly disappointed to find that our closest friends here punished their two older children by not allowing them to come to the party. Just a note for all you parents out there - pick a different punishment for your kids in the event they need a serious consequence to their actions. It is not fair to punish the birthday child. I understand my friends' stance, but I don't agree at all. And the fact that my kid was sitting on the couch crying when she realized her BEST friend wasn't coming to her birthday party, well, that made for some hurt feelings all around.
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My mom came and her friend, K, who the kids love. My friend Al and her youngest child. My friend L (who was here from Atlanta) and her son. My friends, M and D, and their son. It was a small party, not near what we had planned for. There were a few who had said they'd be here and didn't show and a couple others who had prior engagements. In all, it turned out to be exactly what we could handle for the day and it was lovely. Once others arrived, V was distracted enough not to notice the absences.
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When everyone left, A and I cleaned up and then I laid down for a nap since we had plans to have drinks with our neighbors later on. That was fun too. We have a feeling these neighbors (who have 10 and 6 year old daughters) will become nice friends. V and their younger daughter are going to be in the same religious ed class at church, so we'll take turns picking them up...
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Yesterday, we went to A's parents' house (they were supposed to come to us, but A got a call that he was needed to play drums at church that night, which is past where his parents live). We had a little birthday lunch for V with her grandparents and greatgrandparents. It was fun and I am so disappointed that I forgot my camera at home since the 85 year old greats were wearing party hats and blowing little noisemakers. We went to church last night and for the first time EVER, Little A was well behaved. It was awesome when I praised her and told her how proud I was (normally, she goes to the nursery because she won't behave in church), she looked at me with a great big smile and said "I'm so proud of daddy for playing the drums!" She also got a kick out of high-fiving the priest during communion (he's awesome!) after her blessing.
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So, basically, we had an awesome weekend. Opposite end of the spectrum from last weekend. It was good to have some time with friends and just plain be reminded of how much a part I am of this wonderful life we've created.
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If you want to check out some of the pictures from the party on Saturday, you can go here.
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Until next time, God Bless you.
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A Long Awaited Update
Well, I know things sounded bad last week... And they were. Things still aren't all roses and sunshine, but at least I have my head on straight. Daily medication seems to be helping (along with therapy and awareness of all the stress). I appreciate everyone's prayers and happy thoughts - and most of all the encouragement.
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For anyone who has dealt with depression, you know what it is like when you are feeling completely worthless. You know how every little thing can make you feel even less worthy of love and whatever. So, it was super cool of all of you to say such nice things about me - it helped my messed up brain remember that "hey, I'm not so bad!" And while it doesn't make it all go away, it helps get me back on track.
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_________ORLANDO BREAK______________________
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As I said mid-week, we headed to Orlando for a couple days. My friend from Atlanta, L, flew in Wednesday with her son. They rented an SUV and since I spent the first part of the week having a meltdown, it was nice that she was willing to meet the girls and me at the hotel and save us an extra hour+ of driving to the airport. That evening, we drove into the downtown area to visit with some of her friends. It was nice to meet them since I had spoken to the wife/mom on the phone a couple months ago. It was wonderful to see their spectacular baby boy, who was born in June with a severe heart defect and some other issues, thriving and doing great at home. And their other son was so gracious to let three other kids come into his house and play with his toys. A nice evening had by all.
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Thursday, we had a wonderful time at Magic Kingdom. I really appreciate that our friend gives us tickets, we could never afford to go otherwise. We really didn't make it out of Fantasyland and Tomorrowland, as that is where the bulk of the young child-friendly rides are. There were a few moments in the morning where I was pretty sure I was headed for an emotional meltdown (last September, we missed the Cinderella show outside the castle - and they only had one show that day. V wanted to only do 2 things this time and one was the show. When we arrived, we realized the show had already started, so V and I started running (not pretty) as fast as possible down Main St. When we got to the statue (of Walt?) in front of the castle, we realized it was the end of the show. I started crying, completely defeated that I had not fulfilled my little girl's wish. Thankfully, I had sunglasses on and she didn't see my tears, but when she looked up at me with fat tears welling in her eyes, I just bent to hug and hold her and say how sorry I was. Just then I glimpsed the sign that said there were several more shows that day and I promised her we would be back in an hour for the show. We went and did a few things and as we were standing right in front for the start of the next show, the Fairy Godmother came out and started her introduction and then it started raining, so that show was cancelled. Oh. my. gawd. You have not felt pain in your heart until you see your child completely heartbroken after two missed Cinderella shows in one morning. THANK GOODNESS the next show had no rain and while it was definitely challenging trying to hold up both girls to see the stage, it was so worth it by the smiles on their faces.)
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We had a nice time, we rode almost every kid-friendly ride, including Dumbo, Peter Pan, Snow White's Scary Adventure (the girls didn't cry this time!), the train around the park, Buzz Lightyear, and many more. You can see a couple pictures here.
A came up after work and met us at the hotel. We had a fantastic dinner at the buffet and the server was nice enough to charge us as two adults with 4 children instead of 3 adults and 3 children (a price difference of $20+!). A had asked the hostess if he ate only off the kids' buffet would he be charged as a kid (free at Holiday Inns). The server was standing there when he joked about it and she ended up doing just that, though he DID eat off the adult buffet. After dinner, we changed into our suits and headed out to the cool pool. It was so nice to float around with the kids and A and I found some time to sit in the shallow water and just chat, which was so nice since we hadn't in more than a week. Just helped us feel reconnected a bit more.
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Friday morning, he surprised the girls and me by announcing that he would not be going to work that day. He took ALL THREE kids to the pool, while L and I packed up the room and the original plan was she wanted to hit the outlet malls. We decided instead to take advantage of the beautiful weather and meet A and the kids at the pool. But, we did load up the cars and make a run to the drugstore for her to pick up a couple things. She was generous and paid for both nights at the hotel (at an employee rate!) and said it was because I got her tickets for Magic Kingdom. Since we are a bit tight right now, I didn't really want to argue. :) After lunch and a bit in the pool again, we decided to head home.
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The evening was a little busy with L and I going to pick up the stuff for V's birthday party and ordering sandwiches too. After about an hour and half in and out of a few stores, we came home where I whipped up dinner and we just chilled out and had some wine before putting together the bags for the party and heading to early bed.
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August 24, 2005
Stress is a big ol' b/tch
I have been getting some pretty incredible emails lately. I thank everyone who has prayed, thought of me and my family, and those of you who have gone a step further and told me how much I mean to you or done ANYTHING to try to cheer me up. The fact is, I've had a rough time. Ask Becca, I don't answer my phone most of the time - even though I KNOW she is calling because she cares. I'm starting to feel like one of our other friends was acting for a while when she was at her lowest. {wry grin}
So, this morning, the mother of all emails came. It was from someone who I've had a hard time referring to as "my friend" - it's always been "My friend, M's wife". But the thing is, she IS my friend. It isn't that she WASN'T my friend before, but her husband is the first friend I had in FL and we knew each other before marriages and children and all that. And it was just this morning that I GOT it. She's not polite to me because I have been friends with her husband longer than they've been together (at least I don't have live with him - haha!), and gosh, she might actually like to BE my friend too. So, after she sent me this nice email about M giving her my blog address (I was SURE I'd given it to her last year - I feel bad now to know that I didn't, since I LOVE reading her website and livejournal, which are all about her incredible family - especially a son who I think just might be the future husband of one of my girls - haha!). Anyway, I thought instead of giving a proper update on what's going on with me, I'd just rip off myself and copy part of my emailed response to my friend, D.
"Things have been building up for months (a year or more?) and well, the stress of everything has just pretty much broken me. There are a lot of things I don't share because as I talk about what's going on in my life, it really just sounds like all I have to say is bad stuff. And really, in general, I was holding it together pretty well until this past weekend.

You know how you can in anger (or total screwed-up-mindedness), twist a simple argument into something way more than what's it is REALLY about? Well, something like that happened and instead of Adam and me having a discussion about what HE was doing to add to the stress, I just about exploded all over him. And it really had little to do with him and his actions (hey, I think he's great most of the time) - though admittedly, he WAS responsible for some of the stress.
Anyway.... I saw my therapist last week (if you read a few posts back) and am now taking some anti-anxiety narcotics on a daily basis. But because I had a bit too much wine on Friday night, I didn't take it (not a good thing to mix substances) and then felt a nasty cold on Saturday and I guess I forgot to take my med before falling into bed at 8 pm. So, now that I am back to regular dosing, I am feeling more leveled off.
Adam and I did go see my therapist yesterday (am I really so out of it that I have to have WEEKLY visits again?! Argh!). Anyway, she pointed out that due to everything that's been going on she was surprised we've held it together (and stayed emotionally connected to each other) for THIS long. I guess in a way that was a comfort, but in other ways, we both said some angry and mean things to the other in the past few days and I know it will be a while til we are both feeling like our hearts are healed (even though we both know the things were said in high stress and completely unusual circumstances).

So, I am actually okay now. In a drug-induced haze, but okay. Adam and I eventually last night did talk to each other without jabs (we were just silent before then, after therapy) and then as the evening wore on, we were closer to normal - joking with each other and apologizing in the dark (he obviously has a hard time facing me for his apologies). I even laid my head on his chest while we laid in bed before going to sleep - a feat considering I didn't want him to touch me at all before then.

And well, I see my therapist again next week to start to trudge through the rest. I think Adam and I will likely go again a time or two to get ourselves with more solid footing, so to speak."
The thing is, there's been a lot more going on than I've been sharing - or maybe not a LOT - but there's some stuff about my extended family that I've just kept silent about here. I don't want to bash anyone for their actions or make myself sound like a drama queen - because that's not what I'm about. And heck, you all think I've been through SO MUCH without even knowing about all of it. So, suffice to say, the pressure and the stress just tore me into pieces. I saw it coming, I didn't know how to stop it. And now we rebuild. The difficult part for me will not be repairing the bruises to my marriage (thank GOD that part is so much easier, because of how much we actually do love and respect each other - when I am not acting like a raving lunatic).
I know I'm a good mother 99.9% of the time. It is the times like this week where I feel like I am nothing but nothing and my self-esteem is in the proverbial toilet that I have trouble seeing exactly who I've become. I worry constantly that I'm doing the right thing and not creating situations that will cause my daughters to seek years and years of therapy....
But, clear heads will prevail and with some serious help, I will back to good in just a little bit of time.
And in the meantime, it means so much to me to know how much I am loved and valued by others, even when I can't understand why or how. And then I realize that is the twelve year old abused girl trying to take over my brain again. And I have to just learn how to make her believe that none of it was ever her fault.
I'll be gone for a few days - I have a friend coming to visit and we are going on a mini-vacation (with kids) to Orlando, Disney and all. I've extended it an extra day because I feel like I just need a break to let the rawness heal a bit before jumping back into real life. Until then, tell your loved ones you love them - and know that YOU are loved as well.
God Bless.
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August 23, 2005
Thank You
You have no idea what it means to have the support of those who've posted below.

It is the only support and encouragement I'm getting right now and I really do appreciate it.

Please keep the prayers going up.

Many Blessings to you and your families.
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August 21, 2005
Tick Tick Tick.....
It happened. The explosion came. I'm in pieces.
Please pray.
I have to admit something is very wrong. It is possible that there is something more wrong than I've ever known. I've been reading tonight (after a drug-induced sleep until midnight). I went to bed at 7:30. It is approaching 2 and there doesn't seem to be sleep on the horizon for me. My thoughts are jumbled and I keep deleting whole sentences and paragraphs because when I reread what I'm writing it doesn't make much sense. You ever feel like you can't get a grip on what's swimming around in your head? I'm reluctant to share what's really going on and what happened today because some close friends (IRL) read this blog. I even feel reluctant to share this with those of you who I've met through here.
What happened today was ugly. As A pointed out, I knew something was on the verge of happening, but apparently, I didn't know how to stop it. We had an argument and how I've been feeling turned it into something beyond what it was. Turned it into something ugly and wrong. Turned it into so much pain, I'm not sure we'll recover.
He and the girls would be better off without me here fucking up their lives.
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August 17, 2005
Gynecologist
So, you think I'm posting too much today yet? I'm full of information. And I wanted to break it up into separate posts since I have so much to say about each subject. This post contains information about menstrual stuff, so Matt, you might want to stop reading right here.
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Yesterday I went to see the gyn. She reluctantly agreed to give me a scrip for the xan@x, but I did get 3 months supply. I think that will be enough to get me through what I need.
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We started by talking about the clotting from two weeks ago. Since we are avoiding pregnancy at this time, and since I've had 7 previous pregnancies where I knew I was pregnant right away, she has agreed to let it go that it was a possible miscarriage. We agree maybe it was, but likely it wasn't. So, we are going to figure out what is going on with these ridiculously heavy periods.
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She felt fibroids* in my uterus. No big deal, she says. This could be the cause of my horrendous periods. She actually paid attention to me and decided that instead of jumping in right away with hormone therapy, we will try a pain medication that is used to prohibit the release of prostoglandins. I'll start the medication each month 2x/day the day before my period and take it til my period is over. If we can get the pain under control, maybe I can tolerate the heavy bleeding and clotting.
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In the meantime, I will have an ultrasound next month to determine if what is in there is really fibroids and not something more scary (not likely). If there is no indication that something else is going on, I have a follow up to discuss the meds in 2 months.
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So, there you have it. Things are okay, physically - a little bothersome, but nothing worrisome. Yippee!
*for some reason, Blogger isn't underlining my links - they are in bold, so it just looks like a word I've stressed. If you move your arrow over a bolded word in my posts, you'll see sometimes it is a link.
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Psychologist
Again, don't read this post if you might judge me about anything I say here.
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As you know, yesterday was doctor day. In the morning, we started by having breakfast out with A's grandparents. It is always lovely to see them and spend time with them. After I had to remove Little A from the restaurant briefly at the beginning of our meal, she behaved rather well for the remainder. After breakfast, we ran some errands and then I dropped the girls off with A's parents for mass before heading to my first appointment - with my therapist, Dr. D.
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This is where you might not want to read. For those of you who are going to worry or fret over my mental state or judge me for even feeling this way, then DO NOT READ THIS.
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I started by telling Dr. D that I'm barely hanging on. She asked me to explain and I told her that I've been feeling like I hear the ticking and I just don't know how much time before the bomb goes off and I fall into a million tiny pieces. That my emotions feel like I'm just on the verge of losing control, that as the minutes pass, my control wanes and I am feeling like that fine thread that's holding me together is getting more and more stretched to it's limit, with little fibers popping and fraying with each minute. (can you picture that? a rope being slowly pulled apart? imagine that I am down to one last thread of that rope with the fibers of the thread slowly pulling off from the tension.) It is as if I see it in slow motion. As if I see the bomb wrapped around me, can hear it ticking, but can't see the numbers on the clock....
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So, then we start talking about what's going on. We talk about my brother, we talk about court and my stepbrothers... We talk about my physical health and the possible loss/miscarriage #6. We talk about my mom. We talk about the grief over my stepdad. We talk about my commitment to my family and my friends. We talk about the new house and the move. We talk about my overwhelming urge to call someone and tell her exactly what I think of her and her tactics to remove me from parts of my own family. And the overwhelming urge to track down my brothers (step and natural, but not including the youngest) and use them as punching bags - and the fact that when I'm doing my workouts, I imagine the face of my stepbrother when I'm doing the kicks and punches - and I punch and kick even harder when it's his face rather than the air....
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She reassures me (she is good at reading between the lines) that my anxiety and depression are situational, that I am not slipping into some lifelong habit or depressive state. She is good at convincing me that if I could just get some regular sleep, I'll start coping with the rest of the stuff better. That if we can just use something temporarily to help me sleep and to take the edge off during the day, I'll start to feel better. And once I am in general feeling better, the anger will subside.
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We decide that I will ask the gyn for a scrip for xan@x to get me through the next month or two. We decide that we'll see each other more frequently so I can put things into perspective more quickly and figure out ways to deal with my depression without beating myself up.
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So, the good news, this is temporary. The bad news is that I have a lot of work to do to once again re-program my brain and get a handle on my anger. I'm also not spanking the girls at all any more (I don't feel like I can do it detachedly, so they have been spending a lot of time in the corner lately.). With my personal history of being abused as a child, it is just safer for me and my children if I don't touch them at all when they do something wrong or defiantly.
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One more thing, if you're the praying type, I could really use some prayers now. Even though we have a plan, I'm still only hanging on by a thread and the ticking hasn't stopped yet, but I know it will - without the subsequent explosion.
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Court
Don't Read This if You Are Going to Judge Me in ANY WAY.
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Well, as you know, Monday was Sentence-Day. I picked up my mom at her house (we had NO idea how things were going to pan out and she wasn't sure she'd be up for driving herself home afterwards) just after noon. We grabbed some lunch before heading to the courthouse.
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As we went through security, I set off the alarms. Twice. The guard was then moving his wand up and down (not that kind of wand, you sickos!), trying to locate the offensive object setting off the alarm. Turns out it was the button of my jeans. Seriously. What a hassle, and slightly embarrassing when you aren't one who's comfortable in your skin and you're required to pull up your shirt in a very public place. Ugh. Anyway, another guard told us to head up to the fourth floor, where we looked around like morons trying to find this courtroom that wasn't there. Then I asked my mom for her subpoena. We were at the wrong courthouse!!!! I can't believe she never even looked at the address, though even I had assumed it would be the criminal justice center.
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Turns out we were supposed to be at the traffic court. Because the CRIMINAL portion of the charges had been dropped (at my mother's request). So, we hightailed it out of there, knowing we were going to arrive late, while a guard nicely called the other place to let them know we were on our way. We arrived only a few minutes late and the guards there were expecting us, so even though they dumped out my purse and practically made me strip to prove it was the BUTTON on my jeans setting off the alarms, they were pretty nice about it. We went into the courtroom and it turns out the judge was running a little late anyway, so we beat him even.
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Our case was called up first and basically, the judge read that there was an agreement reached with the state attorney's office. The charge was careless driving with a death (the only traffic violation that does not include mandatory prison time, even though he was guilty of DUI with a death, which carries a minimum 15 years). Due to his immigrant status, his plea was no contest (I guess a guilty plea could get him kicked out of the country). This is the sentence: 120 hours community service to be served in a trauma center, 12 month license suspension, and a fine. (My mother had refused money from this man to cover the costs of the funeral - even though it was offered by the state attorney.) The judge asks the defendant "Do you have any questions?" "No." Gavel thwacks, "Next!"
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And that was that.
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As we left the courtroom, we encountered the defendant in the entry-way. He was with a friend who speaks better english. The friend said how sorry he (the defendant) was for our loss. He went on and on about how he hasn't been sleeping and didn't eat for a long time after the crash. How he's aged, blah blah blah.
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This is what I wanted to say: "I don't give a $hit that he's not sleeping! What the phuck do you think WE are going through?!? What do you think my mom is going through? She is crying every damned day - for hours!! Because YOUR friend phucking got wasted and decided to take a drive! And it is because we KNOW he must be suffering that we thought he should not spend the last years of his life rotting in prison. It is because we know he is an old man who has never had even a traffic ticket prior to this that we believe no good would come from sending him to prison. It is because we DO feel sorry for him and what he must be doing to himself after TAKING THE LIFE of someone we love and needed that my mom pushed for no prison. So, don't try to make US feel bad for HIM that he can't sleep or eat. He can't live with himself because he KILLED someone - someone that WE LOST."
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Instead, I kept my mouth shut as I watched this brittle old man with tears in his eyes looking at us, in total disbelief that my mom could forgive him at least enough not to want him to spend the rest of his days in prison.
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She definitely made the right decision, but even that doesn't make us feel any better.
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Oh, and the other thing that totally pi$$ed me off over the whole thing? My stepbrothers weren't even there. I guess because they had nothing to gain by being there. I can't imagine - he wasn't even my biological dad, but I HAD to be there to see the sentencing of the man who was responsible for Pop's death. Even though I knew what the outcome was going to be, I had to be there as a representative of those who love and lost him. I can't wait until all the probate stuff is settled so I can tell my stepbrother exactly what I think of him.
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August 15, 2005
Pray
Please pray that my mom does okay through the court hearing today. She is worried, I am worried.... Don't want to break down in front of everyone. But, we're hopeful two families won't be ruined today.

And tomorrow is the doctor extravaganza - therapy at 1 and gyn at 3. I hope to get myself straightened out before I lose my mind.

By the way, we had one of those weekends where all is just perfect in the world, even if all isn't perfect.... Bliss.

I'll see you in a few days. God Bless you.
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August 13, 2005
Which first? The good news or the bad?
Okay, at the risk of sounding constantly like gloom and doom..... I'll start with the bad and then end on a high note.

My incredibly hard-working and incredibly successful husband has just found out that he will not be receiving the bonus he has earned. His salary is based on the fact that he would be able to earn bonus (which means they pay him less day to day, but he has the opportunity to EARN more, depending on the performance of his hotel). When Becca was visiting, it was the end of the first half of the year and A was told by the corporate person that his bonus would be $XX,XXX. Yep, that many numbers. We would have been happy with 4 numbers, but the fact that he'd EARNED 5!!! Well, we were thrilled. Then came the announcement the company was restructuring and there were plenty of corporate employees who were let go (same number of employees at the corporate level, even though the company has 30 less hotels, so it made sense to downsize at the corporate level). And well, still no bonus check. Basically he got an email (after inquiring himself) saying, "sorry I didn't get this information to you sooner. There are no exceptions being made on bonuses." A few hours later a corporate person (unrelated to the decision) called him to say "this is BS! I don't understand how they can acknowledge your hotel has made more money and been more successful than ANY OTHER YEAR and them not pay YOU. It is no accident that the hotel has performed this way under your watch." So that's it. You've done great, but we don't care. We're greedy
b@st@rds and we want OUR bonuses, so you don't get yours. Kind of feels like the situation in Atlanta which caused us to be serious about him moving with another company. Now we find that people all over the place are greedy b@st@rds.

Well, understandably, he was feeling defeated yesterday. And I was too. He works hard, he gets results... But for some reason, all he gets is a pat on the back. I just can't believe it. Not to mention, when you find out you're getting $X, you make plans for that money. Like paying off bills. Like moving into a bigger place because you'll be able to afford to just pay cash for furniture for that big empty room. Like having an adults-only mini-vacation. Good thing I already bought my plane ticket for that one, or we'd use this as an excuse not to go!

The good news? We're okay now. We love each other and while that doesn't pay the bills, it sure is a good place to be on the happiness scale. We try never to take each other or our family for granted and it helps that we are evertrusting in what the Lord has in store for us. Even if it hurts along the way.

And the other good news? We are starting to love the new house (with the exception of the big empty room and the garage full of boxes that are yet to be unpacked). It is spacious and beautiful and wonderful. The girls love the park at the front of the community and I am certain that once the construction is done and we have actual neighbors, we'll make some friends.

So, enjoy your weekend. We have great plans for a fantastic weekend. Maybe I'll get around to snapping some photos and finally figure out how to work my Flickr account.

Until next time, God be with you.
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August 10, 2005
Suicidal Grasshoppers
This morning as we were going to the car...
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Little A : hmmm....
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Me: What is that, Little A?
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Little A : It's a dead bu-ug, Mom.
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Me: What kind of bug?
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Little A: A DEAD ONE.
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Me: A dead grasshopper?
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Little A: Yes, a grasshopper.
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Me: How do you think it died?
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Little A : Well, it smashed itself!
.
There you have it folks, the true story behind why you find dead grasshoppers in the summer - they smash themselves.
.
So sad, really.
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August 09, 2005
Nothing Witty or Wonderful....
I've got nothin', folks. I have nothing but the blues. And well, I realized the other day at a playgroup at the park that people must be starting to think I have a grumpy complex. Because, well, there's just so much garbage going on in my life right now.
And I'm ready to have happy things to share. And there are happy things, but I just can't remember them through my worry.
Oh, and yesterday, when I finally had phone service at home and was able to call and schedule an appointment with the doctor, I was told that a nurse would have to call me back to schedule the appointment. Apparently, since it is not a standard appointment, the scheduler can't make it??? Anyway, I got a brief tongue-lashing from the nurse; I guess the doctor really was serious when she told me last week to pee on a stick, which I didn't - thus the lashing. But, I do have an appointment for next Tuesday.
Which means I'll be "back home" for the week since Monday, we have to go to the sentencing hearing for the guy whose terrible judgement caused the accident which cost my stepdad his life. Then, Tuesday afternoon is my doctor appointment (am I the only person who refuses to find a new doctor in the small town where they live because it isn't that big a deal to go over an hour away to an office where I love the doctors and have been going there for 7 years?). And since A will be working overnight Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I've decided that I might as well just stay "home" since I've agreed to watch a friend's son on Friday. So, even though it isn't really traveling, the girls and I will be spending the week away from our new home next week.
Anyway...... Like I said, I should just close my lips and smile and say nothing. Because not much that I have to say lately is really that positive anyway. URGH. Maybe once they figure out what is physically wrong with me, I'll start to feel better. And I'm thinking maybe since I'll be there all week, I'll try to slip in an appointment with my therapist while we're there. Good idea....
Until next time, I'll be praying for you. God Bless.
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August 05, 2005
Settling Down
Well, I hate that I still don't have phone or internet, among other things, at the house. This builder is a real piece of work.... Anyway, I am at the library and have 4 minutes left of my computer time....
Wanted you to know that I miss you. Things here are settling down - the bleeding has finally stopped and other than the buckets-full I lost on Tuesday, things seem to be okay for now. I will have an appointment with the good doc in a couple weeks to check things out and figure out what's going on.
We've cancelled a trip the girls and I were going to make to NC to visit family in a couple weeks. There's a possibility I will be needing a D&C to try to get things under control in that region. Not to mention the stress of driving all that way with the girls by myself, even though I'd have a blast once there, is just a bit much for me right now.
I hope to be online next week sometime - they say they have 10 days to complete the work order.... ugh. Anyway, we're getting unpacked and setting things up as best as we can. I've been a mess this week, but there is hope for a new tomorrow. :)
I think of each of you each day and I hope to try to catch up with some of you via phone this weekend (my cell phone bill this month is going to be astronomical!!!).
Much love and many prayers for all of you. God Bless.
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August 02, 2005
We moved!!!!! We're having a slew of problems since the house is brand new and noone's lived in it before - the appliances are not working properly or leaking water everywhere, we didn't have A/C for 2 days and then we found out after Verizon came to replace a line that the lines in the house were not properly installed, so we won't have a phone or internet for probably another week.
Tonight, Adam got a call that his fire alarm system is down at the hotel after being struck by lightning, so he has to patrol the property or the Fire Dept will close his hotel down. So, when he told me he had to come back to work, I had a breakdown. he packed us all into the cars and we are spending the night at his hotel.

I am having some issues healthwise, the doctor suspects that I had another miscarriage, though I didn't even think I was pregnant - every thing was on time, but a couple months ago I had a lighter period and now the doctor thinks the golf ball sized clots I've been passing today are a result of pregnancy loss - she's thinking 12 weeks!??!?!
So, I'll pray for you and you pray for me. (I am not really upset if it was another miscarriage, but now they are talking about putting me on something to regulate how bad my bleeding has been (and getting worse every month) and as you know, I am not really interested in hormones being pumped into my body. But, if there is something wrong, we have to find that out too. She wants to run some tests too (was vague about it on the phone, but wants to see me in the next couple weeks). Good thing I don't have computer time to google what could be the problem. :)

I am in Adam's office, so I will sign off for now. I hope you're all well. I miss you so much!!! Hopefully we can get our phone issues resolved so I will have DSL soon. argh!
God Bless!
Posts written by humble servant
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